How to I emotionally connect with my partner without pushing them away?
dear doc,
“My partner doesn’t like to talk about their emotions, but I need more open communication to feel connected and secure in the relationship. I often feel like I’m guessing what they’re thinking or how they’re feeling, which leaves me anxious or frustrated. Whenever I try to bring up sensitive topics, they either shut down, change the subject, or say ‘everything’s fine.’ Recently, my partner got off a phone call and yelled in her office. When I went in to check on her, she dismissed me and said it was nothing.
I don’t want to pressure her or create conflict, but I feel like this emotional distance is creating a wall between us. When it’s bad and we’re fighting, I feel like I can’t bring up my issue because my partner is already angry. When it’s good, I don’t want to poke the bear. How can I encourage my partner to open up without pushing them away? How do I balance respecting their comfort level with meeting my own emotional needs?”
Dear reader,
Whenever we are presented with an unwanted behavior, we usually respond by trying to fix that behavior because of our own anxieties. If we are not trying to fix, we usually result to reacting emotionally, again due to our own anxieties. Rarely do we stop and get curios about the behavior to which we are presented.
There is most likely a deeper reason why your partner does not like to talk about their emotions. It could be that emotional language was discouraged in childhood, or that a previous relationship was not safe enough for emotional processing. Either way, something about their emotional experience feels threatening or too vulnerable to share.
What you are writing about seems like an anxious/avoidant attachment style cycle. Someone with an anxious attachment style may fear abandonment and become preoccupied with their partner’s actions; while someone with an avoidant attachment style may value independence and may feel overwhelmed by too much closeness. This dynamic can create a cycle in which the anxious partner seeks more connection, like you have stated, which can make the avoidant partner feel smothered or pressured, leading them to withdraw further. This withdrawal increases the anxious partner’s fears of abandonment, causing them to pursue connection more intensely, perpetuating the cycle.
In any interpersonal dynamic, there are two emotional happenings present. The first is content, which refers to the actual subject matter or topic of conversation. In your situation, it might be the recent incident in which your partner yelled after her phone call and then chose not to include you in what happened. The second is process, which involves how the communication happens, including the dynamic of the interaction. It includes tone of voice, nonverbal cues, and how conflicts are managed.
It appears that a larger conversation might need to be had about emotional processing. While you might not always get all the content, because all partners in a relationship have a right to privacy, you are entitled to a larger conversation about how the two of you communicate and express needs. It may look something like: “I want to talk about something because I care about our relationship, and I want us to continuously evolve together as a couple. There are moments where I feel like I’m guessing what you are thinking or feeling because I want to make sure you are okay, but I often feel like you don’t want to talk about it. When you dismiss me, it makes me feel anxious. How can we best support each other in this cycle?”
In a relationship, using we language is always more powerful than you. And in any cycle, each partner needs to take one step closer to how the other person communicates. In addition, it might help to seek outside support—whether through individual reflection, couples counseling, or even educational resources about attachment styles and healthy communication. By leading with curiosity rather than judgment, showing vulnerability yourself, and prioritizing “we” over “me,” you create an environment where your partner feels safe to open up at their own pace.
Until next time,
Dr. Kelsey George
